Mastering LOVE over a Broken Heart

video link > Prequel to blog article> https://youtu.be/SHlCP3gkS3g 

A Broken Heart, WHO CAN BEAR?

Love is undoubtedly one of the most powerful emotions and feeling that exists on this earth.

You may be asking yourself why Love or so what?

Well it does seem that from time past and up to today, Love is something we have always been fascinated by and have pursued, whether passively or actively. Love is very much part of cultures, races, nations, some species and of course individual peoples themselves. Love dominates powerful entertainment industries from Hollywood, Bollywood and Nollywood to name but a few. Everyone sure loves a good Romcom and I am certain we can all name our favourite love story. The music industry is also dominated by ideas of Love, be it “falling in or out of love” or the notion of the perfect love. The hippie movement was founded on “free love” with success of bands like the Beatles in that era. We are all fascinated by celebrities’ love lives and consequently the most popular ones are the ones who find love with other celebrities.

To look at Love and why I sense this is an important topic to discuss, we need to try and define it. I will also explore briefly what Love is from the academic point of view even though I am no professor. In the latter part of this article I will go more into heartbreak, but hey let’s start with the good first.

The Oxford dictionary describes Love as: a strong feeling of affection.

1. Usually towards another person

Or

2. towards something

Of course there are many ways to describe Love but I will focus on the Love that “we all yearn for “as human beings.

v  We either want LOVE and desire to have LOVE.

v  Some want to give LOVE.

v  We all have experienced LOVE (negatively or positively) or long to experience LOVE

LOVE can lead to euphoria and ultimately satisfy our inner being. Some people judge their total satisfaction based on whether they have love or have not.

Love has been studied and many philosophers, religious leaders, psychologists have written about it with theories having been developed based on the human beings need for love. Plato the Greek philosopher addressed love and the idea of a “soul mate”. Abraham Maslow the psychologist identified that Love is an important factor in the journey   to reach a person’s full potential in life. According to Maslow it is impossible to reach your full potential when LOVE is not incorporated, as for there to be esteem; Love needs have to been fulfilled first.

See Maslow’s hierarchy of needs:

To sum it up from the philosophers and psychologists perspective:

Plato’s idea is that there is someone out there for everyone, is what keeps everyone searching for adoration and love. We as a society are taught, from the very beginning , that love is real, our soul mates are out there , and ultimately we will find one who makes us complete and whole .(Chapman .2011)Maslow’s notion was that people have a need for intimate relationships, love, affection and belonging so as to overcome feelings of aloneness and alienation. Maslow identified in his work the importance of having a family and a home and being part of identifiable groups (www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html).

In recent times a more modern  philosopher Michael Boylan states love as an action and he further expounds on the fact that love as a concept leads us to change and grow as human beings. He says “love is a powerful motivator for being good. Boylan mentions visible human actions such as “organ donation” to loved ones or strangers etc. I particularly love this statement in his book that Love is an impetus for good and embodies the human spirit (Boylan. 2008).Robert Rowland Smith another modern philosopher concluded that in biblical tradition, Love can in turn be subdivided into friendship (Philia) and spiritual or emotional love (Agape). Smith. 2010.

WHY LOVE?

This has been a subject, topic, phenomenon, whatever you want to call it that God strongly laid on my heart to write about and address as there is a misconception in the world that is present in this current age about LOVE.

You will wonder why I started looking at Love from the world’s perspective, Well, I need to do that to show you how this topic matters to the world and how it is an even Bigger Agenda from God’s heart to the world. It is not by sheer coincidence that LOVE has been studied in time past and up to today remains a topic of interest. I truly believe I will not be blaspheming if I say Love “intrigues us and also eludes us all”. Picture Romeo and Juliet if you want to conjure how powerful a force love is with both intrigue and elusion from literature or in reality Bonnie and Clyde. Most historians believe Bonnie joined Clyde because she was “in love”. She remained a loyal companion to Clyde as they carried out their crime spree and both awaited their inevitable doomed ending. Their love meant they were willing to die together even for a bad course.

·         Would any of you sanely choose to die for your lover?

·         Would you with all mental sanity and capacity choose to die for a stranger?

·         Would you die for a friend or a family member?

I think I can safely conclude that Love is a part of us whether we experience it or not. We all desire it whether we understand it or not. Love can be tangible as in visibly seen or intangible but felt in our inner being.

LOVE is experienced and expressed in various forms. The Greek language was very rich in expressions of Love which I will outline below.

Agape:  is unconditional, sacrificial love. It is selfless love, a love that is passionately committed to the well-being of another person. In a nutshell Gods Love for mankind or what humans beings share during national tragedies, plagues or natural disasters and compels them to give love.

Philia: the bond of love between friends, co-workers etc. Aristotle described philia as mutual love. It is a necessary means to be happy as one chooses to love their friends. It can be quite un-natural as it is formed through bonding together. Philia love can also end.

Storge: This is the love usually expressed by parents to their children, within families and exceptional friends. This love causes us to feel secure and comfortable. Couples can experience this kind of Love. This love is committed to its cause.

Eros: This is romantic love or intimate love which can be euphoric in nature. It focusses on the self. Eros love is what is sold to US by the media and entertainment industry. It can be sexual only in nature without the storge, philia and agape. It is the love that can get us into trouble and I might add that it is “immature love”.

The other types of Love such as Pragma (enduring love), Phalautia (self-respect) and Ludus “butterfly feeling when in love” are not discussed here. You can look into them for your own self-interest.  

                                                                    (Seven Kinds of Love #southbankoflove).

ORIGINS OF LOVE 

You may or may not be a follower of God .You either believe in Jesus, disbelieve in him or are intrigued by the man Jesus, but please hang on and see Gods original idea of Love. Judge for yourselves the world view of love and Gods view of love with regards to human beings. I am passionate about this topic as some of my greatest errors and mistakes in life are mainly related to love and how I experienced it. Through revelation, I discovered the mind-sets about love that I had which held me captive to a false notion of love.

Ok here we go into this journey >>>>>> follow me along to fascinating discoveries.

In the Bible, a writer named John wrote about Gods plan for mankind and our keyword is in that verse. It says,

“For GOD so LOVED the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

Yeah God loved us so what? You may be saying. Deny it or accept it but Love came from God.  As I spoke about earlier in my previous blog about our true identity being in God as we are Gods creation, Love was also created by God. It is not an earth or human notion. In fact our failures are because we do not have the love given to us by the Love Master and Love giver himself, GOD.

Human beings are created in the image of God. You may ask how, well God created us with a human spirit which is our inner being as God is a spirit himself. We do not see God but can experience him in our spirit just like we feel love subjectively as another person cannot feel it how we experience it. God was also a man in Jesus Christ with like feelings and emotions like us so we experience feelings and emotions too. God created us with his very nature of Love and as he expressed his nature of love for us, we too desire to express his nature of love towards one another and to find someone to love.“God is love” 1 John 4:8 and he demonstrated his love for us through the sacrificial death of his own Son Jesus Christ for us to be reconciled back to him and experience his love again.  I am sure you have all heard of “separation anxiety” where children separated from their parents struggle to fit in and accept being loved. It is the same thing, you cannot fully walk in total Love and embrace love from others without experiencing all of God’s love who is our Father  in you. Every other love will always be a counterfeit of the GODs Love.

 You see the world, since the fall of man (for another topic) caused this earth to experience a darkness  that brought sin, hatred and all things that do not pertain to love on this earth. God never intended for us to be driven by hate as that is not his nature. Gods’ nature is love. The world needed redemption, a way to save us from the bonds of darkness and hatred. God through time tried to see if man can save themselves but each time our human weaknesses always prevented man from achieving this. I can only ask you the following and be honest with yourself as you answer,

1.    Are you always able to love sacrificially, unconditionally to every living person known to you, that you are willing to sacrifice yourself for them?

2.    Are you able to love selfishly when there is no gain or reward for you at the end?

3.    Are you able to give love without judging, especially where the person has wronged you or perhaps love a marginalised person?

4.    Are you not challenged with giving love at times, as you may not feel it?

5.    Are you able to love others especially where you grew up without being told you are loved or never being good enough?

6.    Do you experience love fully to the extend you desire it or you have had to compromise yourself each time just so that you get love? Is it real love?

God loved all of us as we are his creation. God as a father wanted to reunite IN LOVE with his children and therefore sacrificed his BELOVED son for our greater good.  God Loved us and we can only be truly fulfilled in the love walk (with all peoples), if we know and understand HIS love. God’s love is greater as it LOVES without measure and loved us as we are. Gods love never discriminates.

To Love we have to be giving of ourselves which causes us to become vulnerable. Vulnerability can bring weakness, so we need to know why we are choosing to love and understand where our own love feelings are, so we can shield ourselves from the risks of being vulnerable when giving love. To love involves our minds first but when it translates into our hearts “we start to experience” the reality of love and this is why we are most vulnerable. Logic can truly escape us.God calls us to love him first.  As humans we have replaced the Love of God with material things, things that do not last. When these things are no longer there or no longer satisfy us, what do we do? Most people fill unfulfilled as that which they loved, either let them down, did not go as planned or sadly did not love them back. Most people’s reactions are either:

      Sadness, anger, hurt, heartbreak, loneliness and for some revenge seeking depending on the love lost.

The world has taught us to always be searching for love in things, objects, jobs, other people, relationships, status etc. So we have all learned that when we need love, we need to fill a void and find something to make us happy. Since when did happiness equate with Love? The world’s solution is usually things that corrupt our hearts and minds even more. Some use sex as a tool to look for love and sadly it usually does not work and leaves an even bigger void as ‘Eros love’ builds a false connection that never lasts unless it is tested and matures to philia, agape and storge.God has shown me in my own life and my own mistakes in love that to experience true love; we have to know HIM first and through knowing HIM we will know:

Ø  How to love ourselves first, whether we are loved by others or not. You cannot truly appreciate love and experience it if you do not love yourself.  It is very difficult to convince someone that they are loved if they think they are unlovable.

Ø  How to love others. You can only truly love others when you experience the value and worth of love in you and in others. As I said it makes us vulnerable, so to love others one has to be able to overcome the vulnerabilities of being rejected but continue to walk in love towards others.

Ø  Know what love is when we see it and encounter it, to avoid the pitfalls and vulnerabilities of getting our love abused or taken for granted. Love is not manipulative and one can smell “love abuse “ from afar once they know that love is selfless and self-giving and run for it where love is used with blackmail, dominance and manipulation.

Ø  Know where to find love that is satisfying, Agape love.  To all ladies, you do not need to sleep with him to show him that you love him. That should tell you there is no love there.  Friends who truly love will be there even when you are at your lowest ebb.

The real issue is that we have all placed our trust and hope for LOVE in worldly perishable things and in other people. Unfortunately it has resulted in being the major cause of most of our hearts being broken and cause of our dissatisfaction.  Unfulfilled love, whether not met in childhood or through general love abuse is now one of the major reasons for our sadness, loneliness and unhappiness. Heartbreak itself produces emotions that are either good but mostly bad as in general heartbreak is a negative feeling.  Strongholds that hinder progressing in our love walk are often formed from this. Typically heartbreak produces these types of emotions:

       Rejection, resentment , hurt, anger, sadness, feeling numb, bitterness, unforgiveness, apathy, depression and lack of hope or lack of belief in finding love again, heartache, anxiety and an uncomfortable feeling of ‘a lump in your throat/chest’ and I experienced a ‘pit in my stomach too.’

Who can deny that there is a wounding to our souls the centre of our emotions that our brain can’t help but logically form strongholds as a protective mechanism, because who wants to get hurt again? If you have experienced hurt before you understand what I am writing about. Strongholds are developed when we replay these emotions and it perpetuates negativity within us. This robs us and takes away our joy, peace and happiness. We feel so alone, unwanted and rejected and it is uncomfortable believe you, me. At times others go find something else to suppress the heartbreak by fulfilling fleshly desires again which are temporary.  Some people lose their self-worth that they mistake love even when others start to abuse them just so they feel wanted and as if they belong. I did once misunderstand a break up and after that dated someone I really did not even want to date so that I was not lonely.  I knew this person was not good for me but so long as they filled the void in my heart for a while it was ok. Well, 1 day I made a choice to be real with myself and the journey to love myself began and of course you can guess how my false love relationship ended.

Beware of the above as I know plenty of people caught up in this vicious cycle of  I need love →heartbreak occurs → more love please and never get to fully love and appreciate themselves. Some get so disappointed they never view love positively again. Have you not met someone who is always thinking everyone is out to hurt them even when you genuinely loved them? That’s a hurting person right there with a major stronghold. You may believe that by chasing for happiness  or looking for it in other people, romantic relationships, jobs, drugs and alcohol, sex and possessions  will fulfil you as that is what media and the entertainment industry sell to you and hey if you do hopefully it will last and not disappoint. Unfortunately most people I meet are never satisfied as familiarity with these things causes a temporary contentment which leads to dissatisfaction eventually or boredom. We often then need a new fix to chase after.

What God has put in my heart is that we are his people and respond to his nature of love much better than the “fickle” love of the world. We are his people, the sheep of his pasture (Psalm 100 verse 3).  We need to identify with the love of God first, experience it and LAVISH in it before we can truly give out love to others and receive as well. In God’s love there is no heartbreak. Our own desires and lusts often lead to our heartbreak and yet we blame God. If we took a good look at ourselves and were brave enough to admit it, when by instinct we knew that someone or some friends or people who purported to love us were not genuine but we still ignored the warning and carried on with them. How can God be to blame then when you chose to continue in what was doomed to fail despite the still small voice of your God given human spirit telling you to back off.

All of us are guilty of replacing our first love which is God the Father. I reiterate again, we are created to LOVE GOD first and only he can fill that love seeking void within us. Searching for the love that only God can perfect in us in the wrong places often leads to our heartbreak. That which we love is usually something we become vulnerable to and therefore has power over our emotions. Well, God is saying until we break ourselves from chasing, following and filling our hearts with the wrong things then we shall face the consequences that will result from this. God is calling us to know him FIRST. He gave us free will as a gift because he is not a manipulator by nature. God allows us to choose to know him and discover what his plan for our lives is. Some ask why give us free will? because God is love and love does not force itself on a person. We have to willingly come to love him and accept him. The English saying “where there is a will there is always a way” means If you are willing to know God, Love him and let him direct your love walk, you will also pay most attention to it and you will believe in it.God is calling us to:

” Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6 verse 33

The first 2 commandments even before Jesus came underpin God and his very nature of love. The fundamentals never changed. It’s through loving him first that you truly can walk in love for self and for others. Walking in love towards others is a big challenge and only the Love of God in us can help us do this. Most people say ‘but I love my partner and don’t need God’, but if I ask them if they can love their enemy they do state it is impossible or difficult. In fact they give reasons why they cannot love their enemy or those that hurt them. Well, that’s the difference as Jesus even loved those that put him to death and died for all men so we can experience the love of God and give it to those that also hurt us. The Love of God in Jesus Christ his son gave to the world without receiving. Think on that? Very profound  act of love indeed.  

      

In Him is total fulfilment.

In him is the fullness of joy.

In him is the peace that surpasses all understanding.

He promises us victory over our emotions. He promises to heal our past hurts and to help us with future hurts so we conquer all negative feelings and emotions. We will not be in bondage or enslaved to them again. He gives us a hope. God is saying do not struggle on your own. He knew you from creation and he has great plans for you. Come to him and he will gladly restore you to Love and be loved again. You will have joy and peace and never struggle for love by being sorrowful. To believe again for that which you caused you heartbreak and not fear it. You will learn to love again, love yourself and others and never be afraid of the heartbreak. God’s love overcomes rejection and it is bigger than any rejection you have ever faced. Give yourself to God and embrace his total love.

I always recommend getting to a good spirit filled church where they believe in God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Get established in it and aim to make the right friends who have the love of God in them which does not seek to gain or manipulate you. If you have been searching for love from a woman or a man and you are either not fully receiving it or don’t know yourself or love yourself, STOP IT! now. Wake up and smell the truth, time to stop pretending and get real.  Have courage to go and seek the Love of God first and in time God will show you the right lover for you once he has lavished his love on you. Believe me I walked this journey, painfully at times but I have survived through God and learned to love myself and love those who did hurt me.

If you have been touched by this or identify with this please pray this prayer with me.

Father God, I come to you in Jesus mighty name and I want to give thanks that you first loved me. I ask for your forgiveness, loving mercy and kindness when I loved everything else but you. I acknowledge now that it was you that I was seeking in my soul, mind and body and RIGHT now I ask to receive you fully as my Lord and saviour in the name of Jesus. I repent of my old ways and accept that your son Jesus died for me and on the third day rose again to sit at your throne so that I am reconciled to you. Lavish me with your love and bountiful goodness in my spirit man and as I grow in knowledge and pursuit of you. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

Biblical Verses on Love

And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with thy entire mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. Mark 12 vs 30

The second is equally important: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' No other commandment is greater than these." Mark 12 vs 31

Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God and everyone that loves is born of God and knows God. I John 4 vs 7

Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 1 John  2 vs 15.

No man has seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his perfect love is perfected in us. 1 John 4 vs 12.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear: because fear torments. He that fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4 vs 18

We love him because he first loved us 1 John 4 vs 19

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. Romans 8 vs 39.

Let Love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil, cling to what is good. Romans 12 vs 9

Love does no wrong to a neighbour. Therefore love is the fulfilment of the law( the 10 commandments). Romans 13 vs 10

And to know the love of Christ, which passes knowledge, that ye might ne filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3 vs 19

Everything you do should be done in Love. 1 Corinthians 16 vs 14 (NET version)

If I give away everything I own, and if I give over my body in order to boast, but do not have love, I receive no benefit. 1 Corinthians 13 vs 3 (NET version).

Just as my Father loved me, I have also loved you; remain in my love. John 15 vs 9. Jesus’ words.

Resources  and  References:

Michael Boylan. 2008. The Good, the True and the Beautiful: A Quest for Meaning. Continuum International Publishing Group. London.

Heather M, Chapman. 2011. Love: A Biological, Psychological and Philosophical

Study. University of Rhode Island Digital Commons@URI (online copy).

William, Shakespeare, W. 1964. The tragedy of Romeo and Juliet. Bryant, J.A. (Ed.). New York, NY.Signet.

Robert, R. Smith. 2009. Breakfast with Socrates. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Love can change the world. The seven kinds of Love. Southbank Centre. (http://www.southbankcentre.co.uk/whatson/festivals-series/festival-of-love/the-seven-kinds-of-love).

 A good inspirational song that just confirms Gods love for us. ENJOY.

P.S. In the blog about True Identity , I later uploaded a really good song to that basically said my message in 4 minutes or so. Go back to see the video and learn to sing songs that aid in positive mind renewal.

God bless you all.
Love From
Fatima Denga.